controlling fear

reading back through my post..

I just realised, why am I writing every end of year....???  I never believe in having a new year's resolution.... but maybe its true.... without we realise, we do introspect ourselves every end of year???

Interest story..... few weeks ago... a friend of a friend, a stranger I would say, asked me a question that I have been asking for years.....  we are only a year apart..
but a lot of things can happen and change your way of thinking, within that 1 year...

He asked, " but what if I dont know what i want to do?".....  he find it so hard to be happy of what he has...... and kept comparing himself to his younger brother, who he think is much more successful than him....
I can be honest and said "I am actually still at a stage of finding out.. what to do with mylife...." but instead... at that time.. I was sooo sure what my purpose was and I gave him a few advice that I have been trying to advice myself...

sometimes life is not all about money.... happiness cannot be measured by how much money we are making or have... but its about feeling contained with what we have, giving thanks that we are blessed with so many good things, health, laughter, family..... non material things that are priceless....
but yes yes... i know... money makes us happy.... coz we were brained washed to think that way since we are kid... until now.... it's the society that force us to think that way.. not just only that... but rich people put price on everything that suppose to be free, including beaches, the sea, the forest!! just so they can feed their selfishness and become richer.... but people who cannot afford it... suffer and struggle to enjoy nature that supposed to be free...

i dont know whether its answering his question.. but I was so excited, to have someone asking and discussing about life....

sometimes its not the situation that made us like this.. but its our self.. our fear of trying something new, the fear of taking the chance, the fear of getting out from comfort zone...... all choices has its own freedom, our free willl......... I sometimes regret... saying NO to things that I know would make me happy, but instead I always choose work on boring stuff.. I always make excuses to people.. I pushed people away from me...... but instead i was actually making an excuse to myself.. coz i dont want to come out from my comfort zone....

sometimes i wander, why my life is not as exciting as anyone else.. maybe... but now i know.. its "the fear of making the wrong choices", has always been on my way....

but who decide something is right or wrong....  Maybe I should stop pushing people away and start taking the risk of doing something different......

(written: almost 5months ago)

Almost year later after a year.....

Yeah.. I almost forgot about this blog.....  I somehow stop thinking and got too overwhelmed in my routines.
All I think about was work work work.. well not necessary working, but I just kept thinking about it....

I realised I never have a time for my self, or just to sit down for an hour to reading a book or just simply watch TV or streaming Cartoons online ( I can blame this on the internet connection, tho)
I never allow enough time to have a long lunch/dinner, and digest my food slowly, taste its smell and  texture on my tongue ... I almost forgot the excitement of drinking a cold beer straight from its cold bottle, on a long tiring, hot and humid day, combine with lack of fluids on the throat.... a never ending thirst and longing for something to wash its surface....  or taking a deeeeeppp breathhh of enjoyment while having a big cold gulp... sigh


October, few months before Christmas... again.... felt like I just moved here yesterday...


It has been a very interesting year..  everything start to fall into places, I can see a light of hope......
I can say, I have given almost everything I want for this year....  maybe no one can see it... its nothing big or materialistic, but I can say.. the universe has treat me nicely, for my first year staying back at home.... maybe this is what they call 'a beginner's luck" according to Paulo.

Counting back, I have been living outside this town for more than 'half of my life'.... I don't share the same lifestyle, I don't talk their "language"... But I realised, I have to adapt to the society and start thinking like they do.. or at least trying to understand why people act and think like they do now,
So I keep observing their lives, the philosophy of society.. learn how they act and react into certain things, what they do to survive living in this town.
I slowly understood, and start including their way of thinking into mine.. (wow... such a complex wording to explain) ....

...

Before I left Melbourne, a best friend of mine and I made a pledge, to never forgot who we were, the way we think, see and appreciate life..... now I can assure myself that those pledge would not be broken easily....

All random sequences and scattered dots,  finally joined up this years.....allowing me to see the big picture of a vague vision...


30.12.12.


2012 is almost over and yet the world is standing still. It has proven that Mayan Apocalypse, might be wrongly interpreted by our top scientist.  There might be global warming, crazy natural disaster happened around the world, but not necessarily destroying the whole land of human beings.

Maybe.. this Mayan Apocalypse, could be interpreted as a 'spiritual transformation'... a change in the meaning system that person holds as a basis for self-definition, the interpretation of life, and overarching purposes and ultimate concerns, just like Raymond Paloutzian explained on his research on the psychology of religion.

Maybe it is a time to start of a 'New Age'... maybe this generation of people are just too tired of listening to never ending wars, politics, fanaticism, egoism...

...

For me, 2012 was a year full of new experiences and observations; meeting like-minded people-who made you feel normal and never gave you an alienated look; its an ending of something that's about to start..... ; it's a confirmation to all possible answers to my questions..... this is certainly a 'new cycle' for me and some people that I am very close to .....

I could not thank more to everyone and everything that has happened to me these past years.....
For that .. has woken me up from my biggest nightmare and fear .. and yet.. is a time to wiggle my toes,  control my breath and wake up from my sleep paralysis, from my lucid dream..... and ready to face reality.....

a year later

dear my online diary....

a year has been pass, after my hard year last year..... I feel so much better now.. I can deal with my depression... turns out... I dont think I am depress at all..

I was just confuse, where to settle.. now that I made my decision, to leave my awesome life in here and start over back home... make me feel so much better......

I came across an article few weeks ago... about introvert people.... I never fully understand this word before.. but it is exactly who I am... not shy in general.. but I am a half-loner...
I enjoy surrounded by people I like... and build my own comfort zone..

But I made a good use of this year, before I made my firm decision on moving to another country for good.
I went to a psychologist early this year... talked to her.. I didnt think it was very helpful, she got me thinking though...
Maybe she was right but I didn't want to admit that she was right...
I stop seeing her after 3 sessions, but if I look back.. I think she was right.... Maybe source problem is not work or finding a place to settle... but my relationship.
I was too afraid to make decision to leave the relationship.... but now that I do... I feel sad but there's nothing I can do... and I feel this is the best way for us anyway..

I took almost 2 months holiday, and travel alone to Europe.... I have families there, so I couchsurfed for a bit and travel with my family for a bit....
I always wanted to travel alone, to learn more about me.. to meet people and get out from my comfort zone, to explore something new..... turns out.. I survived. I realise I can do everything if I wanted to.. just lacked of self-motivation sometimes..... but I learn a lot from this trip......

I want to remind my self, that we dont need a lot of things to survive.... I had a small backpack and only 4 tshirt, 1 jacket, 2 pants, 1 shoes and 1 Havaianas. More than enough.. even got some space to shop....

I came back here to pack and get ready moving.... I am quite excited now.... for a new adventure, work and back to family affairs...

Remember the story I post earlier, about lifestyle back home.... I decided to deal with it, be myself... keep reminding my self to be humble and respect, do what I love to do..... wear what ever I want to wear, I dont need to change myself to please people.... do what please my self.... live my life-my style...
Its gonna be hard to adapt, due to culture shock.. but decision has been made..

I cannot look back and kept regretting my decision ... keep moving on and learn from past experience...... no turning back...

new chapter of life ... bring it on.....

Time...

Greetings fellow readers.....

Its been a while since I wrote my last post, just realise it was on February.... and now its almost at the end of the year..... wow.... this year went by so fast.....

If you are wondering where I was all this time..... well.. I would say.... this year has been the toughest year by far... stressful indeed, I would say.... too much straying in life than thought.....

but again its almost the end of the year.. gotta pull myself together to enjoy Christmas holiday.. :)

Looking back at my stressful months and people around me.... it gets me thinking.. What are the cause of our stressful life? too much thinking and not enough doing..... or too much doing but not thinking it through... mmm.. does that even make sense?

So I have been reading a few article on how to relieve from depression and how to have a better/cheerful life. People suggest "to find out the cause and then combat it. Once you're on the way out the depression, having solved the cause and learned from it" --anonymous. OR Talking to the professional and sharing your story to a total stranger, would be one of the many suggestions. But are these suggestions helping us at all?

First of all, It might be good to talk about it to someone, to get them ..all ..out of your chest, but sharing it with a total stranger and having to pay for their expensive hourly service and medication..... I think I'll get more depressed. Plus you can only spend hours trying to reveal your personality, but really it takes years to know yourselves alone....so would this be helpful?

second of all... so.. now we know what's causing it.... we know its all happening, just inside our head, messing with our brain.. just decide to forget about it and move on.. but.. seriously.. it is not as easy as flicking the switch........ I tried many time to wake up in the morning with a smile... but all I get is a smile on my morning face and scattered brain.. nope not working......

FYI I took this test:

www.depressedtest.com/

its quite accurate, but unfortunately they don't really tell what to do next, once we know what type of depression we have, what should we do?

I have always been jealous with happy and positive people.. I want to be like them.. but I was just not raised that way.. how sad, now that I realised ...

so... what should we do to pursuit happiness.. we all know what to do.. but the real tough question is..... How long will it take to get a normal people's brain?

How to switch our brain in just a second, How do we change our perspective of life that has been build in us for years...... How How and How.......................... i want to go inside their mind and see whats in there..knock knock..

well clock is ticking... by the time we look back... we are not young anymore.. so why worry now, "live your life to the fullest", said my best-est friend. I secretly kept that in mind every time I am at my lowest point, but just remembering a line. does that help??

Having the same problem.... don't worry.. we got friends on the same boat..

Tough life, but when I look several months back, I might not doing much but I certainly learn a lot about life, and yet about to find out about my purpose of life.... Is my dream, the dream that I always wanted??? (that could be on my future post)

I really need a job and keep my life busy and my mind occupied.. thats the only way to go......

Is this what they called 'female's quarterlife crisis' ?

Part 1: at the airport

Going back to Jakarta for a week feels like entering a big brain-wash
machine. It feels like the society changes the way you see life/value
of life. No matter who you talk to, people from different ages,diff social status,same topic always
comes up. Stressing out not having a marriage plans yet in your mid
20's,while all your friends do or even are. Being pressure from
parents and friends, kept asking when we would be next. Hearing
stories from newlyweds couples about life after marriage. How hard it
is being totally independent from their parents? Disappointment in their marriage and trying to advice others not to fall into their trap? ..What do we really
try to find in life?Happiness?Satisfaction?? Great lifestyle?Career?
Luxury? Or just a great relationship with someone you think you can share your life with?

Is being realistic,considered as materialistic?

As a poorly developed country, such as Indonesia, (with lots and lots of very very rich people in it) different social status and lifestyles are so obvious. Majority of people life in a
small rusty shack beside dirty and smelly river, while people with
highest social status live in a huge mansion with more than 10 maids
and lots of drivers. While people in a mid range are living their life, trying to survive,
so they'll keep going up and not down.

If we looked back from previous generations to now generations,we can
see a big gap of lifestyle. All kids now days have their own
mobile phone,wearing branded bags to school,acting like a grown up,
eating in a fancy restaurant every day, spending without having to
earn anything, being spoilt. Imagine what the future will look like??
It seems so hard to achieve happiness without the powerful
green paper aka money, in that country or anywhere (maybe), but seriously, this is much more extreme here....

who wants to life in a place like this:
Jakarta - slum area
(Image taken from : http://endangerededen.wordpress.com/2009/10/13/slum-tours-real-tourism-or-real-exploitation/)

But what would you do if you have a choice not to live there, but overseas. To work
your carreer up, being independent and live your life as you want
it, not trying to please everyone around you but yourself. Follow your dream and achieve what you always wanted to achieve?? but on the other hand, might not be able get married and being settled too soon.

This got me thinking a lot, but yet not find any answers. Do you think
marrying someone just for a monetary security is the best thing to do?
or keep believing in yourself that you can achieve your own success and
spend your life with someone that you can share everything with and
really care about?

It seems like a really easy choice, but having everyone pressuring
you, keep haunting you with fear, judging what you do and did wrong,
makes it so hard to choose and believe in yourselves (what if we fail?).
Asking everyone what to do?? doesn't help either, "be a housewife, problem solve", that easy. Even being a housewife, its more complicated that finding a right job....it also need a lot of time and effort. Can we achieve 2 totally different dreams at the same time? Its so hard to be a minority in a majority, loosing confidence and giving up would seem like the best thing to do.

But really...?? Is being materialistic, is the answer of everything in reality?

Part 2: on the plane

Funny how sometimes we found answers from random things. Here I am
sitting on the plane, writing this after watching two random movies
that happened to send a similar lesson of life for women, feels like
God has answered my questions. The movie titles are "my one and only",
and"an education"..for anyone who interested to watch 'em.

Well seems like there's nothing more secure than believing in ourselves
and work hard rather than finding a shortcuts to success after all.
But, yes, definitely easier to say than to do...

Part 3: back in melbourne

Finally home..... sorting out what needs to be sorted.. life goes on.. and still wandering which lifestyle to choose....... no conclusion has been made yet....

Are we born to be a racist?

Another Indian man was attacked in Melbourne, second Indian man this month. http://theage.com.au/national-m00j.html

Ever wonder what happens with the world these days??? are we all born to be racist? so many questions popping in my head, after reading this news... all I felt was guilt and empathy . Judging by what happened, no sign of robbery or what so ever. I felt bit angry and sad when the police said that "there was no evidence it was racially motivated". But seriously, we didn't witness the murder, no one knows who started the fight, and/or it could be caused by racism.

are we really born to be a racist? on my opinion we all are racist and judgemental towards people, its just the matter of how you take it into actions, or its just a state of mind. I know some people would disagree with me, but what would you feel if you see other people that are different to you? what would be in your mind if you see an alien walking on earth, or an android for the first time. would it feel a bit strange? but what if you were born in alien communities or androids are something that you see everyday, everywhere, since you were born. wouldn't that be something normal to you???

This story leads on to my latest Christmas vacation, a road trip from Melbourne to Adelaide, through the famous Victorian's scenery, Great Ocean Road. I've been there several times, years ago. Beautiful scenery I would say, I know that the scenery would not change too much in a few years, so I thought this rocks would not excite me no more, it's just gonna be a 'stretching leg' stop. But, when I got there, something interest me so much, a sensation that I felt only in this particular trip.

So we had a few toilet break right, and after a long trip we ended up in Lorne, we had a scroll through the pier and I slowly started to notice something......and I remembered seeing them a few times along the way, something that I haven't been noticing, but yet. So I took a few snaps, just for my self, as I always do.

After taking this photo, I start noticing something interesting along the way, so I set myself a little project. As a normal human being, we had another t-break, and I found this.

I got more curious and excited. Finally ....we end up in the twelve Apostles, we got off the car.. and guess what ......

I just could not help myself from my excitement... I felt like I have found a hidden treasure.... I could not believe how many Indian tourist were there to see the twelve apostles. I was so amazed I just realised I did not take any photo of the twelve apostles, but I had so many photos of the tourist. I wasn't trying to be racist or anything... but it was just amazing, the first time I got to Melbourne, like 9 years ago, I hardly see any Indians around. Suddenly I felt like they're everywhere. I never see this much Indian tourist anywhere but that day.

However, who am I to judge, I am a minority in Australia, myself. Sometimes I felt like people are being racist to me, but if the local treat us differently is it really a form of racism? or just a culture shock?

I think its okay and normal to be a bit judgemental about people, maybe there are some habits that we don't like but people with different race would do, but its all very subjective. Attacking innocent people because of their background is just unfair. Acting violently toward a race is unfair. Probably we should think throughly before thinking of judging people and start trying to understand their backgrounds and cultures. why people behave the way the behave today? why people do things that we would categories 'em as explicit?

However, trying to hurt people in any form, cause of our own selfish judgement, is just wrong.

so, if we all born to be racist, can we put ourselves in other people's shoes before taking any wrong decisions?

I did it...

I finally got my guts to sign up and write something on a blog.

I always wanted to write and share my thoughts about life from my point of view,

sharing what I see around me, things that are ignored and/or invisible to people.

But my limited writing skill always putting me off. Well here I am, spending hours just to write this first post...... well this looks like a great beginning to share my thoughts with the world...

I dont know how to start this.... help...